Unfortunately, you aren’t invited to celebrate with us by getting outrageously pissed at the aforementioned bar, so you are going to have to settle for one of these instead:
Rayko at Cottonopolis
Friday 17th August
I only just found out about this yesterday but when I did, I got pretty excited. If I weren’t back in Oldham for me Mam’s birthday (just in case I hadn’t mentioned it enough) I’d be hitting up Cottonopolis this Friday to see DJ and Producer Rayko spin some seriously good Disco hits. Not only is it free but it’s also DISCO. You can’t get any better than a bit of disco on a Friday night. Oh yeah and if you get the chance – tuck into Cottonopolis’ Japanese Junk Menu that’s available after 10 pm – I had one of their burgers a few weeks back, and it was the best burger I’ve ever tasted. Disco & Burgers – a winning combo without a doubt.
Cottonopolis, 16 Newton St, Manchester M1 2AE
www.cottonopolis-nq.com/
Levenshulme Pride Disco Night Market
Friday 17th August
This isn’t just a market. Oh no. This is a Night Market. But this isn’t just a night market. Oh no. It’s a.. ahh forget it. I’m trying to be all mysterious and tease you and all that, but it’s pointless – you’ve already read the title. So it’s Levvy Market but it’s at night, it’s celebrating Pride, and the theme is ‘disco’ which seems to be a bit of a running theme this week thus far. So what is ACTUALLY different? Well I’ve not been to it yet so I can only go off what they say which is that there’ll be the usual street food vendors (like Fritto, Manzoku, Mamma Sue’s & Pastrami Now!) but also a fully-fledged proper bar, face painting (get a tiger) and DJ Rob Bright who will be banging out the disco tunes throughout it all. That different enough for you?
Levenshulme Market, Stockport Rd, Manchester M19 3PJ
www.levymarket.com/
In The Night Garden Live
From Friday 17th – Sunday 19th August
I know what you’re thinking. Has Ben Brown lost the bleeding plot?! In The Night Garden? Bloody idiot! Well, hear me out. First, if you have a wee bairn then this is perfect for you, you’ll know what I’m saying, we will have a sly wink at each other, and you’ll be on your way. If you don’t have a wee bairn though (like me), I encourage you to just watch a bit of this shit on YouTube. You done that? How relaxed did you feel? Now think about it. You’re stressed at work. Your relationship isn’t going too well. You’ve just lost £2,000 on Foxy Bingo. Well, don’t worry. Head to the Trafford Centre this weekend, sit down and let all of that stress wash away with some weird aliens that talk rubbish. You can thank me later.
Cotton Clouds Festival
Friday 17th & Saturday 18th August
In its 2nd year, Cotton Clouds is now bigger and better than err… last year because not only do they have a few more places where you can buy some gourmet hot dogs, but they’ve also added an extra day. Yes, that’s right, they couldn’t fit all of the performers on Saturday (unless everyone had to turn up at 6 am with a bit of Ready Brek in their hair) so they’ve added a Friday too. Who’s on? Well, Friday includes the Lightning Seeds, Pigeon Detectives and Badly Drawn Boy while Saturday has Sister Sledge which is all that really matters. Everyone else on Saturday pales into insignificance alongside the Sledge. There are still a few tickets knocking about – get them below:
Future Bubblers at Hatch
Saturday 18th August
The biggest lie ever uttered by a human being: “Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I’ve got, I’m still, I’m still Jenny from the Block”. Yeah right ‘Jenny’. As if. I bet on your rider it says that if anyone who looks you in the eye either indirectly or directly they should be flogged by one of your many, many bouncers until dead. Block my arse. Still managing to keep it real though are Hatch who are hosting a Block Party this Saturday hosted by Future Bubblers. There will (of course) be loads of booze and street food (try the brilliant Mama Z) as well as sets by Skinny Macho, SNO, Shunaji and more. It’s free too!
Hatch, Oxford Road, Manchester, M1 7ED
www.hatchmcr.com
Liam Gallagher
Saturday 18th August
Big old LG is bashing out a gig this Saturday at the cricket club near my house, and there are actually still a couple of tickets still knocking about. It’s a massive venue that cricket club, so it’s not easy to fill – but Liam’s still done a great job, and I can imagine the gig itself will be bloody brilliant. My mate Drew will be polishing his Adidas Gazelles as we speak, watching Supersonic for the 5th time today as well as perfecting his Manc swagger in his full-length mirror. Expect some rip-roaring Oasis anthems, some less-so Beady Eye and plenty of lagers.
Britney Spears at Manchester Arena
Saturday 18th August
Before she hits up Blackpool and wonders where the fuck it all went wrong, Britney will be playing at the Nynex Arena this Saturday, and you can still get tickets. That actually comes as a surprise to me that because I’d have thought they’d have all sold out mega fast. How can Take That sell tickets dead easy but Britney struggles? She’s well better than them! Anyway, you all know what to expect – dancing, singing, tight bellies, a snake or two, those little microphone headset things and probably plenty of fire and general pizazz. The perfect evening in my books.
‘Jamie Cooks Italy’ Summer Party
Tuesday 21st August
Judging by some of the Facebook comments that were made when I published the information about this event I think it’s safe to say that Jamie Oliver is a bloke who divides opinion. Sort of like the Marmite of humans. And this is me being polite here – not like most of the commenters. If you’re angry at the lad because he took away your kid’s precious, precious Turkey Twizzlers, then this event isn’t for you. Move on. See ya in a bit. If you think that Jamie Oliver is probably just a decent bloke, then you might be interested in getting involved as ‘Jamie Cooks Italy’ at Jamie’s Italian this Tuesday. It’s £75 a ticket, but for that, you get 5 courses, wine, Prosecco, a signed copy of his book and probably a sweet little smooch with Jamie if you ask him nicely. Be quick though – tickets are going fast.
Sean Paul at Victoria Warehouse
Tuesday 21st August
Quite possibly the most exciting and most electric gig this year – Mr Sean d’Paul will be hitting up Victoria Warehouse this Tuesday. I’m pretty sure that’s all I need to tell you, isn’t it? Why have you not clicked the link below to buy tickets? Do you not like Sean d’Paul? Is that it? Are you too good for his lyrics such as “girl I wanna be the papa, you can be the mom” or “Still I got to stick to my girls like glue”? Snob. Well actually, to be fair though – what does he actually mean when he says wants to stick to HIS girls like glue? Pervert.
10 Years of Deaf: Photography and Poster Exhibition
Thursday 23th August
It’s the 10th birthday of Deaf Institute this year and to be fair – it’s making me feel really old. I remember when it was just another manky derelict building, one that just happened to belong to the Deaf & Dumb Society once upon a time. Queueing up outside The Footage waiting for karaoke on a Tuesday and it always made me wonder what ‘dumb’ even meant. I now know it means mute, but Dumb & Dumber didn’t help with the situation. Thursday sees the gang celebrate their birthday with a Photo & Poster Exhibition. Check it out if you’re into that sort of stuff. If not – at least there’ll be free nibbles.
